PROFOUND SAYINGS

1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

3. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

8. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

10. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

11. Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

12. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! - Dave Barry

13. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the author of that study: Duh." - Conan O' Brien

14. "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone

15. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery

16. "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

17. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

18. "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest. What's the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson

19. "Suppose you were an idiot…and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

20. "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." - Lily Tomlin

Questions & Answers

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: Should I have a baby after thirty-five?
A: No, thirty-five children is enough.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a woman who is nine months pregnant and a super-model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change his diaper very quickly.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes. Pregnancy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids graduate from college.

Back